just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
