there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
