The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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