I'm so fucking centered right now
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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