My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
