got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
