TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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