May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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