omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
