is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm too high and old for this...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
