just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
