Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
