I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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