PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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