do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
