i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
