May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
