he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am naked and annoyed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
