between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
