I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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