i just had sex bonerless
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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