i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
