Got a toothbrush?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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