A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
