Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
