Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
