So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
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Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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