Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
