I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
