I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
