got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
