i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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