I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
