Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
