You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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