Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
