Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
