shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
