Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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