I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
