If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
