it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
