He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
