I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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