just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
