I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We left the knife in your bed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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