Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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