Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
