I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
