Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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