If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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