Do you still have your period?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
