He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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