i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
