last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
