Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
