I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I smell stomach acid.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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