My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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